If a Spaniard tells you to ‘go fry asparagus’, you’d better get out of sight fast in case they start ‘giving off sparks’.
Besides the ubiquitous swear words that pepper the Spanish language – albeit with less negative connotation than English swear words – here are some colourful phrases the Spaniards say when they’re mad and they mean it.
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1. Go fry asparagus: Vete a freír espárrago
Leave, get out of my sight. Frying asparagus is just one of the things we can tell you to do. We can also send you to the horn (vete al cuerno) and many other places you shouldn’t repeat in front of children.
2. I’m up to my balls/nose/bun/…: Estoy hasta los huevos/las narices/el moño
Enough! I’m sick of it and I won’t stand it for much longer, so you better get out of here
3. You have such a big snout: Qué morro tienes
You have a real nerve, always asking for favors and never doing anything for us!
4. May a lightning break you: Que te parta un rayo
You’re lucky we’re simple muggles.
5. I give off sparks: Estoy que echo chispas
I’m about to explode, so don’t you dare coming any closer.
6. Don’t look for me, you might find me: No me busques que me encuentras
You’re practically asking for trouble!
7. I’m of such a bad grape/milk/host: Estoy de una mala uva/leche/hostia
I’m in a bad mood. A really bad mood. Get out of here.
8. Are you dumb or…?: ¿Tú eres tonto o…?
We have many combinations. Are you dumb or do you comb bald people? ¿Eres tonto o peinas calvos? Are you dumb or do you sweep beaches? ¿Eres tonto o barres playas? You get the idea, right? And no, you never win.
9. You’re slower than the bad guy’s horse: Eres más lento que el caballo del malo
10. Dumber and you wouldn’t have been born: Más tonto y no naces
You wouldn’t have found the way out of your mother’s womb, that’s how dumb you are.
11. I’m getting hot: Me estoy calentando…
Careful. You don’t want to see what happens when I explode.
12. Don’t get inside where you’re not called: No te metas donde no te llaman
This is none of your business, and no one asked for your opinion.
13. The oven is not open for buns: El horno no está para bollos
This is not the best moment to ask if you can borrow my car or confess you broke my laptop.
14. I’ll lower your smokes: Te voy a bajar los humos
You won’t walk and talk so proud of yourself.
15. You’re looking for my tickles: Me estás buscando las cosquillas
And I won’t exactly laugh when you find them.
16. I’ll sing the forty to you: Te voy a cantar las cuarenta
Get away, I bet you don’t want to hear the melody.
17. I’ll put the dots over the ‘i’s for you: Te voy a poner los puntos sobre las íes.
Let’s be very clear. You won’t be able to say you thought I didn’t care if you arrived late to work.