Growing up abroad opens many doors for the entire family, but it poses unique difficulties for third culture kids in particular.
Third culture kids ask where they belong
Immersion in multiple cultures throughout childhood fosters superb cross-cultural skills and an ability to effortlessly adjust to new situations. For some third culture kids, these traits are acquired at the cost of knowing their home culture or native language. This cultural void becomes a problem when third culture kids return to their passport country for home leave, and especially when they repatriate. In fact, one of the biggest problems facing third culture kids is their nagging sense of rootlessness.
In the book Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds, David Pollock and Ruth van Reken write that “home connotes an emotional place – somewhere you truly belong.” Fifteen-year-old Bilal, a Pakistani third culture kid who has spent half his life in Dubai and Canada, couldn’t agree more. “It doesn’t matter where you’re living,” he told me. “If you’re with your family, you can call it home.”
Third culture kids wonder who they are
The sensation of dread many third culture kids experience when asked “where are you from?” stems from their impression that they’re growing up between cultures. While they feel intensely connected to their host countries, they don’t necessarily feel they belong completely to any single culture.
The flip side of their amazing adaptability, according to Pollock and van Reken, is their inability to switch off their cultural radar. Consciously or not, they’re always checking to make sure their behavior is culturally appropriate. “In the end,” write the authors, “third culture kids may adopt so many personas as cultural chameleons that they don’t know who they really are.”
Searching for a place in the universe is part of the human condition. This particular crisis of identity, however, is especially widespread among third culture kids and adults. Erin, a 16-year old Canadian who has lived in Europe and Asia, feels this keenly. “Every time you leave somewhere, you say goodbye to the person you could’ve been,” she explains. “No one knows every part of me, because I show a different side in every place I’ve lived.”
Third culture kids are confused by what van Reken and Pollock call “the value dissonances that occur in the cross-cultural experience.” In addition, they’re often forced to deal with conflicting values within their own families. With their seemingly infinite capacity for adjusting to novel environments, children far outpace their parents when it comes to cultural integration.
Bilal’s experience with the clash of generations is familiar to many third culture kids: “you move to this country and it’s completely different from the last place [you lived in]. You want to fit in, but as you adapt, your parents have trouble understanding you, because you’ve changed. The closer you get to your friends, the further you move away from your parents.”
Third culture kids have trouble making plans
It’s not unusual for third culture kids to feel that their lives are beyond their control. “You’re left feeling utterly powerless about the direction your life is taking,” says Erin. The unpredictability and instability of expatriate life cause many third culture kids to stop looking forward to upcoming events because the announcement of the next move may well upset all their plans. “I do find it hard to make lasting commitments,” Erin confesses. “Every plan I make for the future feels like a promise I’m going to break.”
Unresolved grief is common when third culture kids move on
Leaving friends behind is never easy, even in a world where technology and social media make staying in touch as simple as pointing and clicking. Leaving a beloved place is similarly wrenching. Yet grieving third culture kids aren’t necessarily encouraged to express their sorrow. In the chaotic atmosphere of an international move, it may seem there isn’t time to properly deal with children’s emotions. Once in the new country, acculturation takes up all available energy; the heartache is once again pushed aside.
Even highly aware and communicative third culture kids aren’t always able to articulate their grief. Sometimes they suffer in silence because their parents are preoccupied with their own issues regarding the move. But often, third culture kids simply don’t grasp the fullness of their loss. It might be hard for children to understand that what they’re mourning is the unfulfilled potential of a life that’s no longer theirs.
Relocating every couple of years requires constantly dismantling and rebuilding entire lives. Yes, it sometimes sucks, and few third culture kids emerge completely unscathed from the experience. But, their unique set of skills can make them leaders in our increasingly globalized world.