Things I like to tell the Dutch about the English

Things I like to tell the Dutch about the English

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Stuart, the Englishman behind the blog 'Invading Holland' has a little fun explaining English culture.

A lot of countries think that all Englishmen drink tea, play cricket, work in accounting and wear bowler hats all of the time but this is untrue. We do not wear our bowler hats on Sundays.

The average human body is made of 90 percent water but the average English body is made of 90 percent tea. Without tea we die.

Tea can solve any and every problem. Aliens invading? Have some tea! Sprained your knee? Have some tea! Run out of tea? Have some… oh wait… I guess there is ‘one’ problem it can’t solve.

Big Ben has to be wound by hand each morning and is named after Ben McFiggin (‘Big’ to his friends) who was the first man to have this responsibility. Everyone still remembers the day he overslept as, “the day without time.”

The fog in London is so thick that it is unsafe to leave your house without a bell or whistle and a long length of rope. A 24-year-old man was recently found wondering around lost in the fog after a failed attempt to visit the bakers. He had been 17 when his mum had sent him out for bread.

We choose a new queen every ten years based on who looks the most like the stamp.

Shakespeare was a fictional character but Sherlock Holmes was a real person.

Each Englishman owns their own red double-decker bus.

When a group of English people are alone together within their natural environment they will still use words such as, “ye olde,” “yonder,” and, “forsooth.”

The phrase; “an Englishman’s home is his castle,” is a misquote and is in fact meant to be, “an Englishman’s home is ‘a’ castle.”

The English are constantly cast as the villains in movies because we are considered (by the Americans) to be a little bit evil. However, this is simply not true. We are not a little bit evil, we are very evil. We feast upon the fear of others to sustain our own life force. Nothing pleases us more than stealing candy from small orphan children or robbing sweet old ladies of their pension. However, we are very polite while doing so. There is no need to be evil ‘and’ uncivilised.



The man behind the blog Invading Holland is an Englishman called Stuart. He is in his early 30s with a well documented reputation for accident proneness and bizarre situation-finding.

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3 Comments To This Article

  • Denisse posted:

    on 26th January 2011, 14:55:48 - Reply

    Love it!
  • QED posted:

    on 22nd January 2011, 09:20:13 - Reply

    > The English are constantly cast as the villains in movies because we are considered (by the Americans) to be a little bit evil.

    thought Hugh Grant's movies changed that ... now every american lass thinks the English accent is sexy...
  • posted:

    on 21st January 2011, 11:15:49 - Reply

    As an American expat I can vouch for our using Brits as villains in popular culture. When we want to imply that the villain is even more, uh, villainous, we have them speak more slowly and whisper. Well done, Stu!