Things I like to tell the English about the Dutch

Invading Holland: Things I like to tell the English about the Dutch

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Some little known facts about Holland and the Dutch culture from Englishman, cartoonist and blogger Stuart.

Previously I shared a few of the things I like to tell the Dutch about the English but there are also a few things I like to tell the English about the Dutch:

Everyone in Holland is 6'5 tall. Any Dutch person who has not reached this height by their 21st birthday is exiled to Belgium.

Due to a series of escalating over-exaggerated tourist stories, visitors to Amsterdam are often disappointed to discover that the red light district is in fact just an area with a lot of faulty traffic lights.

Dutch music was first invented during World War II as a means of ‘interrogating' German spies. However, when the human rights movement put a stop to this practise another use had to be found for it. Incidentally, this is why you will never find a German at a Frans Bauer concert.

Frans Bauer and Jack Bauer are related.

The Dutch government is very concerned about the over-harvesting of wind by the country's many windmills. They foresee a real danger that this resource will run out in the next five years. This is not helped by the fact that all Dutch people live in windmills.

The Dutch phrase ‘ja hoor' has caused several diplomatic incidents when English speaking diplomats have mistaken it for the Dutch diplomats calling them names (sometimes they were).

A lot of Dutch land has been reclaimed from the sea by pumping out the water and building fake land. This has proved very successful. However, at high tide the water still comes up to everyone's ankles.

Holland is so flat that someone in Friesland can wave to someone in Belgium. The Dutch are deadly jealous of any country with the smallest of mountains, hills or speed bumps.

The Netherlands also used to have hills until they used them all to fill in the watery bits.

More bicycles can be found at the bottom of the Dutch canals than can be found on the streets (this one could be true).

Dutch windmills don't harness wind. They create it for the rest of us.

Queen's Day is not the celebration of the Queen's birthday. It's the celebration of men who like to put on pretty dresses and wear makeup.

The Dutch are responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs. It was the building of the first early prehistoric dykes that destroyed the dinosaurs natural environment and led to their demise. Even recently a dead tyrannosaurus-rex was discovered floating face down in an Amsterdam canal by a tour boat captain. The Dutch are also responsible for the extinction of mermaids, The Kraken and The Lost City of Atlantis.

Every time a Dutch person visits Germany on holiday they steal a bike back.

The Dutch don't add mayonnaise to food. They add food to mayonnaise.

At the reading of a will, most Dutch people are more concerned about who inherits Grandma's bicycle than who inherits the family fortune.

The Dutch love it when you tell them that you visited the Netherlands but really only mean Amsterdam. Even the Dutch agree that when you have seen Amsterdam, you have seen everything the country has to offer. In fact, there are plans to re-name the whole country to Amsterdam.


 Invading Holland: StuartThe man behind the blog Invading Holland is an Englishman called Stuart. He is in his early 30s with a well documented reputation for accident proneness and bizarre situation-finding.




Expatica 2012

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1 Comment To This Article

  • spaans benauwd posted:

    on 24th April 2012, 22:05:35 - Reply

    hi Stuart, nice one. However, this place is not as flat as you seem to think, it's only propaganda. Also any self respecting Dutchy also comes back from Germany with a radio!!!!