Adjusting your expectations: friends and family in Germany

Adjusting your expectations: friends and family in Germany

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Expat blogger Emily Rasch is still working on fitting in with the Germans and making friends. She shares some of her challenges, and offers some tips.

There are many interesting dynamics to socializing, celebrating, and finding a sense of self when living in a foreign land.

In Germany, there is a complex social structure which can be difficult for foreigners to grasp. After five years of living in this country, I am still learning. 

When I first arrived here, I was excited to explore a new culture and to develop new relationships. Seeing as I married a German, I knew this would always be a big part of my life.

I thought my new life would be an extension to the comforts I left behind. Slowly it has become more similar, however some nuances remain. Of course things often work out differently than people envision, and sometimes I still have to remind myself of this fact.


Naturally, the first people I would get to know were my husband's family. This came with its own set of struggles, and leaving behind my expectations as to what the word "family" means to me has not always been easy.

In preparation for my first visit with my new family I read about customs and etiquette, in the hope of not embarrassing myself. One book mentioned "giving an odd number of flowers that weren't white and unwrapping them, but leaving the florist paper on the table in the hallway". My husband had no idea what I was talking about when I asked about this. It turned out there wasn't even a table in the hallway anyway. However, the formality of it wasn't so far off. 

My family back home often meets to celebrate birthdays and holidays, and for casual weekend barbecues. My German in-laws only get together for major holidays, which is quite an adjustment.

German life

I thought when I moved here that our cultures would meld, and it would be a little bit more welcoming by not exclusively doing things "the Germany way". I was dreadfully wrong. 

Many Germans, particularly those that are younger, can speak English quite well; getting them to do so, however, is a challenge. Learning a language to belong and communicate is essential, but the process is also ostracising if people use the tough love approach and don't extend themselves even a little bit.

Once, I even overheard someone talking about how my husband and I should exclusively speak to one another in German immediately after I moved here. All of it was exhausting. Everyone had an opinion on the matter, despite the fact they had never been in a similar situation.

Joining in on conversations was a major challenge, because interjecting a cohesive sentence took time and by that point the topic had changed. It was difficult to not feel self-conscious, and at times having too much pride to rely on my second vocabulary made things move at a snail's pace.

It was difficult not to take things personally or to feel as though my thoughts weren't being valued unless I could explain them in German.

Through all of the difficulties, I do what comes easiest to me and use thoughtful gestures to make it clear that I am making an effort. Whether it's taking baked goods to an office function, writing a birthday card, or sending someone photos from an event, these small things bridge language divides. After all, actions do speak louder than words.

In the cities, social life is often based away from the home. During the warmer months, biergartens are constantly bustling and the city centres are alive with a multitude of festivals.

German city life

Socializing and celebrating in Germany are often centred on tradition and community instead of family. These events are really incredible, and it's nice to see the unity that joins thousands of strangers having a great time. But these events do not take the place of a comfortable, yet intimate dinner or get together, which is typically done outside the home. 

Getting past the gap of being a 'bekannte' (acquaintance) vs. an actual friend -- and truly feeling accepted -- may take years. It is possible you'll feel as though you constantly have to make the initial push to make it happen, which often feels very one-sided.

Living in a village will make things slightly easier in some regards -- because everyone knows what everyone else is doing and who they are -- but it also means dealing with that kind of mentality. Plus, the chances of meeting others in a similar predicament drastically reduce. 

Sometimes it's even fun to push people out of their comfort zones a little bit. Just be aware you'll oftentimes have to forge your own path by inviting people to celebrate holidays that are important to you, or by proposing activities that are a common interest. 

Another thing: if you casually mention you'd like to get together, you had better be willing to back up the claim. Inviting people to do things is taken seriously. The words "we should do that sometime" will likely send people into a panic. The locals are seemingly more rigid in making plans, so having a set time, date, and locale, will help to avert that. 

The good news is that once you've established a true friendship, it will last a lifetime. 

Emily Rasch
Emily Rasch is an American expat from Ohio who loves to travel. Visit her blog at

Photos: Emily Rasch

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3 Comments To This Article

  • Heinz posted:

    on 25th April 2012, 15:04:48 - Reply

    I loved your article. Thank you so much for writing your thoughts down for everyone to learn from and enjoy. I plan on moving to Germany in the next few years to be closer to my family there and to almost feel your point of view is helps one to understand what to expect!

    Thanks Again
  • gierl posted:

    on 25th April 2012, 14:02:46 - Reply

    Your experience is shared by many. It is more challenging when you are not white, for example, when you come from Asia or Africa. Nevertheless, I embrace the friends that I have now even though many of them are not Germans, but they welcome me, treat me like a normal human being and reliable when I need help. My German 'family' is very formal and it is best for us foreigners to keep it that way rather than try to rock the boat. To earn respect, we must first give and show respect. Teach our kids all about the great and positive values in life. I saw how the German teachers' and mothers' perspective changes when they see how well behaved and respectful my child is at school. Though I still have not earned genuine German friends, but I do earn their respect.
  • treasure miles - muller posted:

    on 25th April 2012, 12:04:07 - Reply

    Emily has really had a genuine experience and mine was quite similar, I did find that my genuine friendships were formed with other "Auslanders" faster than with the Germans themselves. After a few years there I made some incredible German friends and miss them very much when I moved back to South Africa, as well as the beer, wines, sausages, breads and the fests !