An expat wife: Why rituals are important for expat families
Maria Foley explains why family rituals are so important for giving expats some much-needed familiarity and a sense of belonging, particularly during festivities.
When I was little, my brother and I would carefully lay our stockings at the foot of our beds on Christmas Eve. Christmas stockings had a very specific purpose in our house: they kept us occupied for several hours on Christmas morning so Mum and Dad didn’t have to get out of bed at 4am (that’s why there was always a book in our stockings – how devilishly clever of my parents!).
When I had children of my own, things were a little different. There were still books and stockings (there will always be books and stockings), but the books were under the tree and the stockings were laid by the fireplace. The kids – bless their impatient little souls – waited until we were all awake and gathered together before the stocking unstuffing began.
You’ll note that while these different Christmas rituals have much in common – they both involve stockings and books – it’s the little ways in which they differ that make them unique to each family. We all have these little family quirks, and they serve a much greater purpose than granting parents a few more hours of sleep.
Rituals are like blueberries
Psychiatrist Steven J Wolin and anthropologist Linda Bennett have identified several types of family rituals:
- Family celebrations are rituals surrounding special occasions or holidays that are commonly observed in the family’s culture. Every recurrence of the celebration reinforces the family’s place within that culture and strengthens the stability of the family.
- Family traditions are specific to each family. They don’t come with 'rules' imposed by the larger culture, so it’s up to the family to decide how each one is marked. This personalisation makes traditions more meaningful, because it lets the family fully express who they are and what they believe in.
Rituals are like blueberries: they’re the antioxidant superfood of family health. They provide family members with a shared history and a sense of belonging. They reinforce and maintain religious and cultural traditions. They allow us to spend quality time together. In short, they cement the bonds that make families stronger.
Don’t leave home without them
Family rituals are especially important for expatriate children. These kids are bombarded on a daily basis with different values, attitudes, and beliefs, to the point that they often become overwhelmed and confused by conflicting messages. Having family traditions and celebrations helps anchor TCKs within their family’s culture and value system, and minimises the internal conflict that arises as they form their personal identities and establish their own beliefs. They provide a sense of togetherness and security that is so important for kids (and adults) in a crazy, high-speed world.
Abrupt changes within a family – moving overseas, for example – can lead to interrupted rituals. Sometimes rituals are abandoned because they get overlooked in the messiness of establishing a new life, but often it’s due to the impracticality of maintaining them in the host country. If the host culture doesn’t recognise certain religious or cultural holidays, for example, it can be difficult for expat families to celebrate them. The goal in these cases is to practise flexible rituals, which are adjusted to accommodate changing circumstances while keeping the core meanings intact.
It’s not about the Christmas tree
If you were to unpack your beloved December tradition of chopping down a Christmas tree, for example, what would be at the heart of the ritual? Lugging a prickly seven-foot Scotch pine back to the house through two feet of snow? As fun as that sounds, I’m willing to bet that stripping the ritual down to its essentials would reveal the simple desire to prepare for a special holiday surrounded by the people you love. Everything else is just detail.
If we embrace this idea of focusing on the fundamentals, the pressure to maintain the status quo instantly vaporises. So although you may be living in a country where conifers are scarce, it’s still possible to keep the crux of your Yuletide tradition alive.
Pick out an artificial tree together, or decorate a tropical houseplant while you all sip hot chocolate in tank tops and flip-flops. Feel free to play Bing Crosby crooning White Christmas if that’ll get you in the mood. Years from now, this unexpected reworking of your usual tree-trimming routine might be one of the fondest memories of your time in 'The Hot Country'. It might even survive subsequent moves – including the one back to your homeland. Because the healthiest family rituals – like the healthiest expats – are able to adapt to changing conditions and bloom where they’re planted.
The Christmas tree pictured right was ours when we lived in Bordeaux. We called it the Charlie Brown tree, after the line in the animated Christmas classic A Charlie Brown Christmas, in which Linus says, “I never thought it was such a bad little tree…. Maybe it just needs a little love.” We couldn’t look at that scrawny tree without laughing, and it remains one of our best expat memories.
Maria Foley is a Canadian who lived and raised a family as an expat for many years. Aside from writing for Suite 101, Foley still writes about her expat life on her blog, I was an expat wife, and is currently working on a book about overcoming the challenges of repatriation. You can follow her on Twitter at @iwasanexpatwife. Published 2014: updated 2015.
Comment here on the article, or if you have a suggestion to improve this article, please click here.