Finding Dutchland: 7 secrets to befriending Dutch women

Finding Dutchland: 7 secrets to befriending Dutch women

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If you're an expat in the Netherlands you may be wondering how to make friends with seemingly aloof Dutch women. This guide explains it all.

Writer's disclaimer: Written with a partial knipoog (wink).

Ahh, Dutch women. We have all heard that Dutch women don’t get depressed. They also have the happiest kids in the world. Who wouldn’t want to be friends with these tall, gorgeous, happy, blonde beauties with flawless biking skills?

A common complaint among fellow expats is how difficult it is for them to actually make friends with Dutch people. Expat forums are filled with questions and concerns on just how to infiltrate the local Dutch circles. Sometimes expat women spend their entire stay in the Netherlands not having any real Dutch female friends.


Being a seasoned expat for about six years now, I’ve gained some valuable insight on how to establish real, genuine friendships with these wonderful women. I’ve learned a thing, or two actually, about how not to make friends with them. Some of the mistakes I made are long-lasting and quite irreparable.

However, pure luck and a lot of practice has led me to some of the most wonderful women I’ve ever met. They’ve welcomed me into their country, their home and into their hearts. My Dutch friends even flew all the way to my wedding in San Francisco to celebrate my special day. An invitation to a Dutch bachelorette party and a wedding invitation that includes dinner are signs of a true friendship with a Dutchie.

I’d love to impart my wisdom on other fellow expats on how to make Dutch female friends. I guarantee that it will make your stay in the Netherlands, no matter how short or long, a worthwhile experience.

Here are my 7 fool-proof (Dutch approved) tips on making Dutch female friends:

  1. Doe maar gewoon, hoor! Just be 'normal'. Being cool, calm, and collected goes a long way with making a good first impression among Dutch women. American enthusiasm should be casually put away until you become better friends.
  2. Learn the Dutch language. We’re in their country and no matter how obscure Dutch is, making a concerted effort to learn the lingua franca of the Netherlands demonstrates your seriousness of acclimating to the country. You can always make the excuse that everyone speaks English so why bother? However, making an effort to learn their language will be considered endearing and thoughtful to a potential new Dutch friend. Dutch can be a challenging language to learn, especially since the Dutch are notorious for switching to English to speed up the flow of the conversation, or to practice their English skills. Be stern. Throw in the words gezellig and lekker for good measure.
  3. Develop ninja agenda skills. If a potential new Dutch friend suggests to meet up for coffee, lunch or dinner date, pretend that you are busy for the next month or so. This will give you coolness points. Having an impeccable, precisely planned-out life is a character trait that many Dutch women pride themselves on. Look at your calendar, and pick a date that is four weeks away.
    Insider tip: Once you’re 'in', randomly calling on Thursday afternoon to meet up for last minute drinks and or/dinner can give you 'gezellig' points. Some will welcome the spontaneity as a breath of fresh air.
  4. Patience. We all know Rome wasn’t built in a day. Neither is a true genuine friendship with a Dutchie. Give them time to warm up to you and get to know you. It could take months, or even years. However, once you make a Dutch friend, you’ve more than likely made a friend for life.
    Insider tip: The Dutch often are part of various circles of friends. If you can somehow crack the sanctity of the inner circle and one of them vouches for you, you are sure to have at least 10 new Dutch friends. This often happens if you fall in love with a wonderful Dutch guy who happens to also have like-minded lovely Dutch female friends.
  5. Do not over-share in the beginning. American women beware. Our idea of keeping it real by divulging in our innermost secrets and insecurities upon feeling a 'connection' with a potential Dutch friend can cause her to run to the nearest polder. Your 'openness' may be construed as not having the ability to keep secrets. It may also freak her out by being so candid about your feelings. I learned this the hard way.
  6. Do not complain about the Netherlands, the Dutch culture or the people. A common trait of the Dutch is that they are a very vocal lot with very strong opinions that can be considered as 'complaining'. You’ll get the seemingly harmless question, “What do you think of this country?”. Let them do the complaining, politely nod your head and smile. Do not fall victim to their self-deprecating humour about their own country and their country(wo)men. If you are an expat experiencing culture shock, reconsider your readiness with making friends with the locals. I have a sneaking suspicion that it may not end well.
  7. Do not drop by unannounced (especially during dinner time). It is considered quite rude to show up to a Dutch friend’s home unannounced. Unexpected visitors during dinner time may find themselves either being sent away, or made to sit in the living room while dinner is being eaten. The Dutch usually do not embrace spontaneity, especially from someone new, in their routine-filled lives. Also, keep in mind that since everything is pretty much carefully planned out, such as the exact grams of meat per person, there is a high probability that there wouldn’t be any food to share anyway. Try not to take it too personally!


Thrown in for good measure: 'Insider tip' from a friendly random Dutch woman I met at Kurz hair salon – "If you have your heart set on making friends with real Dutch women, go for the home-run and wear three quarter white leggings. Extra bonus points if you wear it with brown boots."

 

 

Reprinted with permission of Finding Dutchland.

Finding DutchlandRina Mae believes being a (expat) mum never goes out of style. Finding Dutchland is a lifestyle blog offering inspirational and educational material for all women, with particular soft spots for expat women, pregnant women and newly minted mums. She's a San Francisco native, recovering perfectionist, aspiring writer, accidental expat, and proud UC Berkeley alum. She divulges insider survival strategies for living a Dutched reality and surviving mummyhood, offering a daily dose of reassurance, motivation and camaraderie.

 

 

Photo credits: Heb (girl cycling).

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16 Comments To This Article

  • Mrgalak posted:

    on 14th April 2016, 04:11:07 - Reply

    Dutch women are not gorgeous at all. They have a distinctly country potato aura, do not know how to dress or to behave, and completely lack refinement. Having lived in quite a few countries, this is the one where I almost never have a "wow" experience.
  • jericho posted:

    on 26th May 2014, 09:22:53 - Reply

    Acting like you own the road and pedestrians and ignoring lights is NOT a biking skill. Sorry to burst your bubble.
  • elvis posted:

    on 25th May 2014, 21:42:57 - Reply

    Russian women are da best in the world.
  • carrico posted:

    on 16th May 2014, 00:57:53 - Reply

    Ja, ja, peter. You've hit the nail on the head (smile vs. banquet).
    Dank u wel.
  • j.peter posted:

    on 14th May 2014, 23:30:26 - Reply

    being an expat in Netherlands for a short period, i found it is not so difficult to make Dutch friends. I think ,in general, Dutch are nice from the inside and outside.
    their happy childhood reflects their behavior for being nice to everyone.I prefer their kind of generosity than to the generosity of many other nationalities. I prefer a smile from a Dutch to a banquet from a Saudi.
  • carrico posted:

    on 8th May 2014, 16:41:32 - Reply

    HTD: "There's no future in tourists"--this 'fits.' Why invest in transitory relationships? Better to cut to the chase, be blunt. It's almost like a test--maybe like learning Dutch. Pronunciation is a killer, but they seem to respect the effort. Thanks.
  • Jacob posted:

    on 8th May 2014, 10:34:10 - Reply

    Netherlands is a wonderful place to live and work. We (myself employed in ASML while my spouse in TU/e) enjoyed our life in Eindhoven, both our children were born in there, thanks to our family friends and colleges; the experience was far beyond excellence. Just one glitch we had was applying for an industrial career, where everything goes well till the last moment especially if the interviewer was a lady.

    We have a few family friends from Belgium too who visits us in India, we always look forward to their next visit as we feel at home while being with them as well. Now that we're in Bangalore (I still have a taste of that language as I work as a Dutch translator), we still follow some of their customs informally and accept dinner guests on prior appointment which is fair; we believe.

    Jacob
  • HTD posted:

    on 6th May 2014, 13:59:12 - Reply

    "5. Do not over-share in the beginning." As open as American women might be, from my experience through conversations with a few Dutch women, they went far beyond anything that I would have ever expected any American women to state, ever.
    What I've heard was so open and over the top that if I stated the details here, it would most likely be edited out. Trust me on this one, please.
    My point is that "spilling one's guts" whether Dutch or American is a turn off for those practicing risk avoidance in new relationships, especially when it comes to someone trying to super-shock a new acquaintance. Thriller movies are a safer way to go.
    I do agree with the author's statement " The Dutch often are part of various circles of friends." Although folks in Arizona would say what amounts to the same thing: "there's no future in tourists". So I guess until one learns Dutch, one would continue to be considered as a tourist here as well.
    Therefore, most expats won't be here long enough to break into most Dutch cliques, so it would make better sense to befriend other international types, who are more open to making friendships without having to wait in the lobby for a Dutch friendship to develop.
  • James Stirling posted:

    on 3rd May 2014, 21:05:18 - Reply

    How wonderfully ignorant! This is a good example of blatant facades flaunted by. clueless Americans to attract friends and attention. Terribly stereotypical and hideously manipulative. You should be ashamed.
  • carrico posted:

    on 1st May 2014, 14:40:32 - Reply

    Great discussion. This variation among Dutch women, I wonder if it also has something to do with their age, that there are generation differences. Regardless, I like their 'directness.' I remember one asking me if I found them too blunt. No, I responded, I have a pretty bad mouth too. So does my wife. Maybe this is one of the reasons we feel so comfortable here.
  • carla risseeuw posted:

    on 1st May 2014, 00:12:18 - Reply

    interesting expat comment/ experience of finding it difficult to befriend Dutch people. I can well imagine this -

    would really appreciate to hear some of your experiences or queries. With colleague anthropologists from India, made a study on aspects of the Dutch social life, some time ago. and tell ours/mine if you're interested

  • Magdalen Wolin posted:

    on 30th April 2014, 23:05:49 - Reply

    Also, I am certain that Ms Mae has excluded a large proportion of Dutch women when she describes them as typically "tall and blonde"! Anyone remember Anne Frank, one of the most famous Dutch females in recent history?? That's right! Short and dark and JEWISH. The blondeness I was told comes from Scandinavian immigrants such as Danish and Swedish. It would be unforgivable to completely overlook the Jewish nature of a significant proportion of natives of the Netherlands! What a waste of a journalistic opportunity!
  • Magdalen Wolin posted:

    on 30th April 2014, 22:53:27 - Reply

    I agree with Lia. Basically this article says just be yourself but wait! Don't be yourself! I have lived here in Amsterdam for 10 years total. I have met a wide variety of Dutch natives, both Amsterdammers and countrypeople. In fact there is so much variation just within this nation, that integration requires excavation, in order to uncover the original nature of the Dutch. And by the way, where I come from (Scotland) a "Dutchie" is slang for a marijuana joint! As in the famous song from Musical Youth "Pass the Dutchie"!! So I would never refer to a Dutch native so disrespectfully.
  • lia van der steen posted:

    on 30th April 2014, 15:38:20 - Reply

    I do not agree at all with Rina Mae. Especially point 1,2, and 7 , where did she get these experiences? Somewhere in Staphorst? Most Expatclubs are in the city and there you will not find the Dutch ladies she describes as a rule. I am an ex-expat myself. I think we Dutch LOVE it is someone is not "gewoon". Also, we couldnt care less whether you learn our language or not, because, as you say yourself, we just like English as a language and we are indeed very good at it. Than the showing up unexpextedly. Funny, but we learned from you Americans that that is rude! we Dutch still do it, but I must admit, everybody being so busy now, NOBODY in any Expat circle would appreciate it if their friends showed up unexpectedly!. In short, what a RUBBISH article, I could write one much better, having lived in 4 countries en having friends from all over the world, including lots of Americans, in fact.
  • Minnie posted:

    on 30th April 2014, 15:35:46 - Reply

    I could never be a writer for Expatica, I would tell the truth to tears especially in the friend making department, I recall how many Europeans would complain about Americans as being over friendly and smiles and such which they thought was phoney, I can write a book about how that table should be turned around and how phoney the Dutch can be. VERY!! Not to mention their crappy government.
  • carrico posted:

    on 30th April 2014, 14:23:37 - Reply

    Clever insights. Wonder what the male perspective is.