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08/01/2011Dealing with death: tips for teens

Dealing with death: tips for teens Dealing with death is difficult for young people. For several years, Psychologist Ineke Wienese has helped young people with various cultural backgrounds deal with loss.

She’s compiled some of their stories in her newly published book Troost voor tranen (Comfort for Tears) and her website of the same name.

In 2004, the Netherlands was shaken by the murder of a teacher at the Terra College in The Hague by one of the pupils. The school was left to figure out how to mourn van Wieren's death.

"It was very unreal, because you usually think something like this happens in faraway countries like America, but never in the Netherlands, and certainly not at your own school."

Mine Orzada was in her third year at the school. Like a majority of the pupils at the Terra College, Mine has a mixed cultural background. This gave her a unique perspective on what the school did right and what it did wrong, in helping the pupils and teachers deal with their grief and shock.



Cultural minefield

Mourning is a difficult emotional process, especially for young people. It is even more difficult in a multi-cultural environment, where people have different expectations and rituals surrounding grief. Ignorance about other cultures only makes things worse. Wienese helped the school work through the grieving process.

Wienese says there is a cultural minefield surrounding grief. It is far too easy to offend someone due to ignorance of his or her expectations.

Ritual emotion

Wienese says the raw emotions that come with loss bring people back to their origins.  "You see people falling back on their roots and on old traditions." In many non-Western traditions, emotions are often expressed more openly during mourning and there are a greater number of rituals.

"People move about more, let their tears flow. I hear from young Turkish and Moroccan people that they cry, wail and scream. All the pain and sorrow is expressed during the period of grief."

Such open displays of emotion can be very helpful in dealing with loss, but there is a paradox. When the rituals are over, people are expected not to show their grief anymore.



Dutch traditions

There are fewer rituals surrounding mourning in the Netherlands than in many other cultures. But people are allowed more time to grieve, and are encouraged to talk about it, something Weinese encourages in her work with youngsters.

Back at the Terra College, Mine appreciates how tough it was to deal with people with so many different backgrounds. In her own grieving process, she partly identified as Turkish, and partly as Dutch. And she made it.

"I was caught in the middle. I wanted to put it behind me as quickly as possible, give it a place. But on the other hand, I thought I needed time to heal, to recover. The third year was worst affected. But the experience made us all stronger. At least, it did me and I know people who have changed completely. They simply grew up very quickly."

John Tyler
Radio Netherlands


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