The Starbucks conspiracy
Looking for that special brand of coffee-to-go in Luxembourg? You may be out of luck, as our new blogger Libby will explain.
It’s awfully hard to be creative early in the morning. Especially after missing out on my usual triple-caramel-double-decker-pumpkin-flavoured-extra-fatty-iced-macchiato-latte topped with extra whipped cream, cinnamon and chocolate syrup. And a little cookie stuck in the side.
Oh that’s right, I’ve been missing out on this for the last five years now. (Which would probably explain five years of very tired, unproductive mornings.)
You see, wherever I go, Starbucks follows.
Be sure you take a gooood look at that sentence, kids, so that you understand. ‘Wherever I go (as in, AWAY from), Starbucks follows (as in, BEHIND me).
Let’s begin with good ol’ Green Bay, shall we?
I waited all through high school to partake in this crazy yuppie Starbucks craze that everyone was talking about in Newsweek and on Dateline NBC, only to have Barnes and Noble and some other Starbucks on the east side go up after I went to Decorah, Iowa to college, where, let’s face it, there will NEVER be a Starbucks (now THAT comment’s going to get people mad, I know).
Then I went to study in Münster (Germany) where, you guessed it, they put in a Starbucks on, like, 25 June 2003. My flight left on 24 June.
The trend continues. I worked in Cologne for a year and a half without drinking a SINGLE coffee, and now – badda-bing, badda-boom! – you’ve got three Starbucks in Cologne for every public bathroom, cathedral souvenir shop and 4711 vendor. EVEN WUPPERTAL, the dirtiest, hard-drug-abused city this side of the Danube has a Starbucks now on the bad side of town. (I’m very fond of Wuppertal, actually, like people tend to find rabbits cute that only have one floppy ear, or dogs that walk with a limp.)
I think the fact that Starbucks always come to places where I live is a sign that the Law of Attraction works. That, and a sign that Starbucks is systematically attempting to infiltrate and take over the universe [evil sounding ‘muuuhaaaahahaaahaaa’].
But clearly, in each and every city I have lived, I moved there with the same naive expectation that the city would have a Starbucks. And while I was disappointed every single time, I still kept thinking and believing ‘over there, you know, on the street between the florist and that funky alternative book store that smells of patchouli, isn’t there a Starbucks over there?’
And sure enough, at some point or another, a Starbucks would come to BE there. You see, I wasn’t wishfully thinking, I truly believed that my town MUST have a Starbucks. And this, my children, always came to pass.
Unfortunately, it’s never been while I’ve lived there.
The Universe does listen to us, but it produces results only when it’s damn good and ready.
It happens in His time, as we know.
So now I’m here, in Luxembourg, a city literally overflowing (at least at rush hour) with thousands of commuters, expats from the States and England, overpaid bank employees with excessively long lunch hours, people wearing pants suits, people driving expensive cars while talking on cell phones, and – most importantly – rich people in a big hurry.
Does it not seem strange that there isn’t a Starbucks here? Am I missing something?
Am I the lead character in my very own Truman show? AM I BEING WATCHED? IS THAT A CAMERA?? WHAT IS THIS!!!!!!!????? DAMN YOU, STARBUCKS!!!!!
Because this is starting to sound more and more like a Cathy cartoon strip and I can’t stand Cathy cartoon strips, I think it’s a good time that we stop. I don’t even buy coffee when I’m at Starbucks, anyway, I buy iced chai! Coffee makes me jittery and nervous! And as you can see by the preceding narrative, I clearly do not need to become any more jittery or nervous.
Alas, it seems that my purpose here is not to enjoy Starbucks coffee, but rather to serve as more of a Starbucks martyr. Travelling to deprived places in the world that are lacking Starbucks and then bringing them a Starbucks, only to fold my hands, say “My work here is done” and pack my bags, moving with my also-nomadic husband to the next unfortunate location.
Oooorrrrrrrr I'm like Juliette Binoche (aka Vianne Rocher) in Chocolat and I'm supposed to deliver coffee like she's supposed to deliver chocolate remedies! Especially because you KNOW that she wasn't eating all those chocolates with that figure. And I could buy lovely dresses, and style my hair like the 50s, and then Johnny Depp shows up on my doorstep...
Yes, we're definitely going for the latter.
Well, now, I think we've learned a valuable lesson here. I've discovered my purpose in life and we've thought about coffee, chocolate and Johnny Depp. A success indeed.
A native of Green Bay, Wisconsin, Libby moved to Germany after finishing college and enjoyed four years there. In 2008, she left Germany for itty-bitty Luxembourg. Follow her adventure and her journey to happiness – no matter where on Earth she may find herself – on Lovely in Lux.
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