With the right attitude, a stint of role reversal can be hugely rewarding.

For decades, women have been trekking across the globe following their partners’ international careers at their own expense.

They have faced the hurdles of navigating a new environment and developing a foreign social infrastructure while experiencing culture shock.

But for a little over a decade, men have increasingly been forced to contend with the cultural, linguistic and social challenges that beset the trailing female spouse.

According to data from the Employee Relocation Council in Washington DC, “…in 2002 women with trailing spouses represent one out of every five relocating professionals".

Most of the challenges faced by trailing males also apply to trailing women. But it appears that as more men become Mr Moms or reverse their roles to that of the "supporting partner", they face distinct challenges.

There are unique stressors that only men experience, including resentment by other females who feel threatened in their role as trailing mothers; feeling belittled by other men who think trailing males are an affront to their masculinity; and a feeling of being left out of social groups.

Male support groups
Looking at the situation in continental Europe — namely Germany, France, The Netherlands and Belgium — there is only one support group run by expat trailing males based in Brussels called STUDS (Spouses Trailing Under Duress Successfully).  The club came to be in 1994 because of the large concentration of female expats working for Nato, various embassies and the European Headquarters, whose male counterparts were turning to women’s clubs for support to combat boredom and isolation.

Jim Rich, secretary of STUDS and an Australian expat says, “We now have over 77 members, 90 percent of whom do not work, although not necessarily housebound or househusbands.” STUDS says it runs playgroups for men with children, organises sports events and daytime activities.

However Mark Ridlen, a US citizen living in Brussels and father of three boys, one aged six and twins aged four, disagrees. “I found STUDS through advertisements when I moved to Belgium. I was slightly disappointed. Most of the members did not have the responsibility of raising three children and the activities the club offered were not accessible to me due to conflicts with my children’s schedule.” 

Adapting socially
What can be done to diminish the obstacles men face as a trailing male? While expatriating is exciting, demanding and allows one to virtually reinvent one’s self, daily life is not always a bed of roses, especially for the first time trailing male spouse.

One of the most important and healthiest ways for men to integrate socially is to prepare themselves back home before the move:

• Ask your wife’s human resource department or a relocation expert in your town about intercultural courses or mentoring programmes on offer, designed to introduce you to others in the same situation.
• Research online to see if there are relocation experts in the host country you are about to expatriate to who offer programmes, courses, information, workshops about the host country.
• Take a language course to give you the basics. Being able to order food, ask directions and purchase necessities boosts self-confidence.
• Contact existing expat associations.
• Contact people who have been through a similar experience: personal acquaintances, work colleagues and just about anyone you know to see if you can get them to share some of their salt-of-the-earth experiences.
• Join a church.
• Meet with other parents at your children’s school.
• Contact women’s clubs and associations and set appointments for when you arrive in Europe.

Huw Francis warns, “Recognise that most women may not accept your position and may have a ‘negative attitude’ to stay-at-home males”.

Odell Lee, President of STUDS, will recommend strategies for starting a STUDS-like group outside of Belgium. “We’re willing to communicate with anyone interested in forming an association of trailing spouses. Send us an email.”

Culture shock and combating depression and isolation One of the most telling signs that a person is undergoing culture shock is a mild form of depression. Some signs of depression might include:

• A lack of interest in people, events and surrounding circumstances.
• Constant criticising and comparing the host country and its inhabitants to your own cultural norms.
• Incessant longing for the home country.
• Refusal to learn the local language.

Mark Ridlen, a 42-year-old, who has been a stay-at-home dad for more than two years, advises men to have realistic expectations about their significant concerns. He admits, “I continually face the effect this period of my life will have on my career upon my return to the workforce and therefore, maintaining a positive self-image is crucial”.

To cope, Mark has:

• Joined a health club.
• Coaches others in the same situation.
• Stays in touch with friends and work colleagues back home.
• Engages in the sports he loves and tries new ones.
• Makes sure friends from back home come to visit him regularly.

Job hunting in the host country
Time consuming and subject to linguistic and cultural restrictions — job-hunting in the host country can be a frustrating experience for many trailing male spouses. Mark Ridlen found the challenges, such as the tax laws, which he says would have left him virtually penniless by the time he paid for childcare, too complex.

Richard Mozzley on the other hand, a 34-year-old Australian from Melbourne currently living in the Netherlands worked in the ICT sector. He arrived without employment yet scoured the job boards online and eventually found something.

It wasn’t amusing at the beginning. “When I told a few Dutchmen that I was in Holland looking for a job and the reason was because my partner had a job here, they gave me strange looks. Like it wasn’t manly. Needless to say, I did not get those positions.”

Advice for female partners

• Help your partner acclimate himself to the new country before arrival by sharing your knowledge of it.
• Encourage your partner to do volunteer work.
• When you come home from work, be sure to talk to your husband about his day and his concerns.
• Invite your partner to business dinners or parties where appropriate.
• Introduce your male colleagues to your partner.

Huw Francis has one last word of advice for women: “Do not blame your partner for any guilt you may feel at being away from your home and children as sole breadwinner. It may be the first time you both are in this position. Maybe your husband will only have this one opportunity to take care of the children.”

August 2002

Elise Krentzel is a journalist, author and experienced expat who has lived on three continents and in six countries. She currently resides in Amsterdam.