Belgium Expatica editor Paul Morris muses on the long illustrious history of the humble classified ad as expatica launches a new service

Ever since the cavemen, classified ads have been a part and parcel of human life, vital to the exchange of goods. Those drawings scratched on the cave walls - using occasionally the rotted bone of a family member recently departed - were surely not representations of their daily life but in fact bare-faced offers: ‘Wild boar for sale, domesticated‘, or ‘Wife beginning to realise we‘re all equal, will exchange for whole gazelle - club thrown in free‘.

The writings adorning the  walls of Chinese towns were presumed to be slogans extolling the virtues of Chairman Mao’s little red book but in fact it was merely a list of bicycles, washing machines and crop-shredders available at a knock-down price. The mysterious crop circles created a stir for many a year as scientists tried to fathom them out. Of course they were obviously interstellar classifieds advertising everything from used asteroids to space parts.

The Times of London used to have its classifieds on the front page, relegating news of the imminent outbreak of war to the inner pages. This was during an era where print was impossible without melting down some iron to form the letters of the alphabet and stamping them onto paper. And you had to get your hands dirty, ink sinking into the pores of printers worldwide just to announce ‘Gentleman’s Handsome Carriage For Sale, practically new - horse not included‘.

Now it could not be easier to find the item you require. Search engines whirl furiously 24 hours a day… Okay, hold on they don’t whirl, they don’t spin, there are no ratchets and cogs and none of the clever levers that once made machines more efficient. Search engines just sit there, like the Buddha but we know there are all kinds of things going on in that wise old head.

‘Ikea furniture only 2 years old, needs to be dismantled. Bought new 300, selling for 250’ is only one of the classified ads you don’t want to read. It’s all about getting the right deal, trawling through many a message until your eyes meet across the digits and that pine coat stand just has to be yours and yours alone. ‘Slightly chipped with age‘, but aren‘t we all?

One online seniors dating site uses humour to lure in the unsuspecting surfer :

‘FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus‘. And…

‘MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well‘.

You can sell just about anything in the columns of the classifieds. EBay is a variation on the theme, auctioning off everything from a Fender acoustic to a country. (Gerrit Six offered up Belgium during a particularly bad political crisis - 'the king and his court costs not included)').

And just to prove that the classified domain is not just about finding all that first baby gear second hand, this on offer in Parkersburg WA (USA):

‘2 cemetery plots in very desirable area of Sunset Memory Gardens Cemetery. New plots selling for $1695.00 each, will sell for $1500 each‘.

Looking further ahead on the same site: for sale ‘fossil rocks’ for $35  (no need to add ‘second-hand‘, really). The ad was complete with the useful knowledge: ‘Corals, brachiopods, and stalked echinoderms are common fossils in Ohio’s Silurian and Early Devonian rocks, but by the end of the Devonian, these oceans became oxygen-poor and supported relatively little ocean-floor life.’ Clearly the fossil equivalent of ‘One careful lady owner’.

All this has whetted my appetite for a bargain. I’m heading down into expatica’s new classifieds, I’ve always wanted one of those big …

Sorry, can say no more - it’s classified.

Paul Morris

30 January 2008

Expatica Classifieds