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Notes from an exiled Franglais: Mixed couples’ woes

Partners

30/04/2010Notes from an exiled Franglais: Mixed couples’ woes

Robert Bullock observes how restrictive French laws can be the last straw for mixed couples who have had their fair share of problems caused by language barriers and cultural differences.

Let me make it clear from the outset that as a happily-married man whose memories of dating are definitely dim and distant, all my experiences of problems faced by mixed couples are very much observational.

Quite often language barriers can cause problems when you’re dating someone whose mother tongue is different from your own. Speaking a language fluently is important, but not speaking the same language as each other can sometimes have its benefits too. I have also seen how restrictive foreign laws can break a relationship.

English language soap operas wins out!
A young mechanic friend of mine, who is half English-half French, dated a beautiful French girl for a couple of years before they decided to tie the knot and get married. Although there are distinct cultural differences between the couple -- he spent some of his formative years in England -- he is definitely more French than English in his relaxed approach to life. He also speaks French as well as he speaks English.

Early on in their relationship, the couple decided French would be the language of the household as they lived in France. To this day they enjoy a happy relationship and marriage. It is a truly international marriage; with the family enjoying long holidays in England and visits from English relatives to their Fermette home in the Charente. The children are fluent in both languages and enjoy a mixture of both cultures, though the whole family is hopelessly addicted to certain English and Australian soap operas.

Clearly, there are no language barriers between Mark and his French wife. But I have also heard stories of couples who do not speak each other’s languages fluently but use that to their advantage.

Language barriers mean less nagging
A friend who shall remain unnamed said: “Not speaking the same language as your partner can be like a gift from above. If you can’t speak the same language well, you can’t argue or have really effective rows; if you’re a man you can’t be nagged.”

Chivalry isn’t dead
For a more mature family friend, dating someone from France was a less harmonious experience because of cultural differences.

Helen was a hairdresser who had settled near Niort in Deux Servres with her husband of 25 years. A few years ago, Helen’s husband decided he was so homesick that he wanted to return to Blighty while she decided she liked her new life more than her husband and wanted to stay.

Her neighbour, a retired French man called Jean-Christophe, who also happened to be the master of the local hunt, did the chivalrous thing and stepped up to the mark saying that he would look after her. Living together seemed perfectly convenient for Helen at that time but the cultural differences between them soon surfaced.

The first bad habit that our friend had to break her new beau out of was his culinary tastes. His favourite food was tinned sprouts, boiled in water, oil and butter for two hours! Not exactly Cordon Bleu! Apparently the smell pervaded the entire house and no amount of cleaning could shift it!

Another cultural difference was the after-dinner relaxation. Jean-Christophe liked to sit at the dining table on high backed wooden chairs and watch a tiny, poor quality black and white TV set.

So Helen decided she would make a sitting room upstairs. Armed with her credit card she visited the Espace Mendez shopping paradise in Niort, visiting Darty and Conforama for essentials such as soft sofas, piles of cushions and throws and a 35-inch plasma TV, which she ordered Bernard the local TV tuning genius to tune into the Sky satellite!

Surprises and compromises
Christmas and New Year are always quiet events in the rural south west of France. When Helen declared she was going to Scotland for the yuletide period, Jean-Christophe surprised her by turning up at her door with a chocolates and a bottle of wine and asked if he could come with her! And from that day forward his evenings were spent with Helen and he learned most of his English from Eastenders!

French inheritance laws
Helen soon realised Jean-Christophe was a good old-fashioned male chauvinist! While this attitude wasn’t exclusively Jean-Christophe’s (when visiting the Notaire’s or tax offices, all questions about Helen’s financial affairs were directed towards Jean-Christophe, not Helen), it bothered Helen who being brought in the swinging sixties, naturally saw both sexes as being equal.

But restrictive French inheritance laws proved too much to bear for Helen.

The last I heard Helen and Jean-Christophe were no longer a couple. Sure, there had been cultural barriers, but it was legal barriers that was the straw that broke the camel’s back for Helen. Apparently, under French law, Jean-Christophe and his children had a higher legal claim to some of Helen’s assets than her own children or grandchildren should she die.

Being a devoted mother and grandmother, Helen couldn’t live with these laws, and decided to move back to England.

Visit your Notaire before you cohabit!
Dating and relationships can be tricky when there are cultural and linguistic differences, but from my experience when both parties are prepared to adapt, things could possibly work.

Instead differences in legal systems could prove to be more problematic as in the case of Helen and Jean-Christophe. So if you are now dating a French man or woman, perhaps it is wise to make an appointment with your local Notaire to learn more about the system to avoid any unpleasant surprises.

Robert Bullock is a British children's writer. He lived in the Poitou Charente area of South West France for seven years. His first book is Noah Ramsbottom and the Cave Elves. His second book Sam Marsh the Viking King was released at the end of 2009. His website is www.ninnylizard.com . Rob is currently touring Britain giving readings of his first book, and is available to visit schools, libraries or youth groups in France.

If you have a question on dating, flirting and relationships, ask our new dating coach, Jean-Baptiste Trannoy via our Ask the Expert section.
Photo credits: mkosut; karpov the wrecked train