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Long distance relationships: can they survive?

Partners

05/11/2010Long distance relationships: can they survive?

Repatriation can herald the beginning of a long-distance relationship. Lifestyle and dating coach Jean-Baptiste Trannoy advises expats who are about to repatriate or move to another location to consider seriously if their relationships can survive the long-distance haul.

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A few months into this new and exciting life abroad, things are finally starting to pick up as you make develop new groups of friends. Making friends and going on a few casual dates is fine, but what happens when you hit gold and meet love while you’re abroad?

Should you really be making future plans with someone while you know you’re only supposed to stay for year or two?

Many expats I met made a point of always announcing straight away that they had a two years contract and were already planning their return back home. Personally, I arrived in Amsterdam not knowing how long I was going to stay nor where I would relocate if I left.

Call me carefree, but living in the present seems like a good idea. After all, the past has gone and the future is yet to come. It’s all about here and now.

Let me ask you this: would you pass the chance to spend a wonderful time with a gloriously attractive and smart stranger because you’re due to go back to your country in half a year?

Here’s to hoping the answer is NO.

Living abroad is courageous. In fact, most people will never experience it. Life in a foreign country also brings his fair share of challenges. Dating someone from your new country can be a enriching and fun. He or she may give you the emotional support you were missing so bitterly in the first months of your stay. Actually, it may be the best thing that happened to you since you arrived.

Yet, you know that being an expat in his/her country will inevitably put both of your backs against the wall.
What happens if you receive a promotion that sends right back where you came from?

I examine every side of an issue before dishing out advice on such important matters as love and relationships. These can be a source of tremendous pain and heartache. Separations are not a subject to be taken lightly as they result in severe depressions, anxiety attacks and a drop in productivity that caused many to lose their job.

Therefore, I believe with utmost sincerity: long-distance relationships don’t work.

Of course, I am aware of exceptions, and that’s precisely what they are: exceptions. Some will argue that love is strong enough to survive a temporary separation. Others may say that technology allows us to stay in touch at all times. This is true. Yet, the strain that distance put on any relationship must be taken into account.

No amount of phone calls, Skyping and flower deliveries will make up for the physical presence of someone you love. At the very least, you should be clear about the duration of the separation, the frequency of your visits and how you will keep in touch.

The beauty as well as the cruelty of having your backs against the wall is that you both will have to put your priorities in order.

Life’s asking you a question: do you want to stay together and place love above all or do you want to pursue your career elsewhere?

Photo © gonharo - http://www.sxc.hu

Get a clear vision of what consequences your choice will bring about. Be aware that if you choose for relocation and leave your partner behind, this may very well be the end of your couple. You will live two separate lives. You will yearn for the presence of each other for a period of time and ultimately grow apart, for better or for worse.

Yet, such separations are often seen as ‘temporary’ situations. Put another way round, it is a way to save time before making a clear-cut decision. Can you sense the ugly monster of procrastination and indecisiveness lurking in the background?

As with any other aspect of our existence, we are at risk of creating frustrating and confusing conditions every time we fail to recognize just how short life really is. Every time we make a non-decision, every time we avoid taking a good hard look in the mirror and every time we let fate decide for us and hope for the best instead of taking responsibility, we dive headfirst into a pit of sorrow and regrets.

Jean-Baptiste Trannoy is a French dating-lifestyle coach. He coaches single expats of various ages and nationalities through one-on-one workshops, masterclasses and seminars via his company blusherseduction.com

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Jean-Baptiste Trannoy is now available to answer your questions on dating, flirting and relatiohships via our Ask the Expert section under the 'Relationships' category in the Expatica country relevant to you.

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Photo credits: glendali; gonharo; SSPIVAK

4 reactions to this article

Ryan posted: 2010-11-09 23:28:08

Interesting article but I've heard of plenty of people who have survived long-distance, some around 5 years or so even though I often wonder: Why put themselves through all that?

I think you could have mentioned a few exceptions where long-distance relationships work but I get the feeling the tone of the article was to imply a person should not ruin a good thing by dragging it out.

Anyway, I agree for the most part. Thanks for the read!