Expat blogger Sal de Traglia describes how he found the True Way – with a GPS

There are two gadgets that were invented, manufactured and marketed specifically for me.

One is the electronic calculator. I simply can't do maths in my head. Not even if my life depended on it. And a boatload of college and graduate-level algebra and statistics courses have done nothing to change that.

Want an example? Here's one that I swear is true.

I once withdrew EUR 130 from a LaCaixa ATM and received a fifty and four twenties. I counted them, and they equalled EUR 100. I counted them again-knowing full well
that ATM's rarely make mistakes-and they still equalled EUR 100. I counted them a third time (still EUR 100?!) and then complained to the bank manager who-with a look that exhibited both bewilderment and concern-showed me very slowly, very tenderly that
50+20+20+20+20=130.

The other invention is the global positioning system (or "GPS"). And that's what I'm going to talk about today.

To say that I was born with a poor sense of direction is inaccurate.

I was, in fact, born with no sense of direction whatsoever.

Over the years, I've devised strategies for coping with this shortcoming.

The most effective strategy has been to carefully determine the direction in which my destination lies...and then go the opposite direction. That usually does the trick.

My poor sense of direction has been especially frustrating here in Spain-a country in which (a) the N-II is really the A-2, and vice versa; (b) an Autopista apparently differs from an Autovia in some  meaningful way; (c) the M-40 in Madrid, at one point, breaks-off into seventeen different M-40's; and (d) all roads are marked with either no sign whatsoever or with a sign that seemingly lists *every* bloody road in the entire country.

But then, while I was in Chicago during Christmas 2005, I took my father's truck out for a spin and noticed something unusual in the dashboard. It was a GPS.

A GPS! I'd heard about these things, but had never...you know...touched one.

Or caressed one.

Or deep tissue massaged one.

And now, there I was...all alone in that truck...with a GPS.

I punched in an address. Any address.

"1313 Coconut Grove. Yeah! That's a good one!"

And as that beautiful little hunka silcone took me by the hand and lovingly deposited me at my destination as if we had made the drive a million times before, I fell madly in love.

The Beatles famously stated that "Money Can't Buy Me Love." But in this case, it could.

The problem, however, was that the cost of love was EUR 500-700.

So I sadly observed an indefinite vow of GPS celibacy.

The vow lasted for what seemed to be an eternity.

Until...I opened the newspaper a few weeks ago and saw the following announcement in the insert for an electronics store chain with the unpronounceable name,"Media Markt":

"GARMIN STREETFINDER c310 GPS: EUR 199!"

EUR 199??!!! I leaped into my car and drove in the exact opposite direction of where I knew the store was located.

An hour later, and EUR 200 poorer, I was giddily licking the suction cup of my new GPS.

The following weekend, I took it on its first, real mission: "GPS, my dear. Take me to IKEA in San Sebastian de los Reyes!"

And guess what? The GPS got me to IKEA in record time.

In fact, it got me there with neither a single temper tantrum nor U-turn.  And best of all, my trip to IKEA did not include a tour of southeast Portugal.  For me, that's unheard of!!!

I walked into IKEA feeling like a man with supreme confidence. And I walked out of EUR IKEA poorer.

But that's OK, because you know what they say.

"Steel colander for straining pasta: EUR 8."

"Drafting table and chair for your daughter's birthday: EUR 110."

"A sense of direction after 39 years of fantasizing about one: Priceless!"

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Check out Sal's weekly essay on the "Expatica Spain" news service website  http://www.expatica.com/source/site_content_subchannel.asp?subchannel_id=184&name=Spain+Expat+Blog   Then, step into his "Virtual Tapas Bar" at http://saldetraglia.blogspot.com/

[Copyright Expatica]

[November 2006]

Subject: Spain; Lost in La Mancha