Expatica columnist Jacinta Nandi a.k.a Candi Girl details what's hot this month on the Berlin Spoken Word scene.

Back to England for the Bank Holiday weekend. 'Twas my cousin's wedding, and it was ridiculously posh - I felt like a Motz-Verkäufer in comparison to everyone else, only less classy. (Incidentally, does anyone else think that homeless people in Berlin are ludicrously good-looking? There is one in particular that I actually love.)

So, what did I notice about Britain during my trip home?

Well, first up, it is true what the Germans say about British cooking. Well, in my mum's case it's true, anyways. It's not that she can't cook – she just doesn't think the things she cooks should taste nice.

That's why she never puts any salt on her peas.

"Mum," I would say, during my innocent childhood, trying desperately to get out of eating the watery green slop she banged down on my plate, "I don't like these peas. They don't taste nice."

"What do you mean, they don't taste nice?" she would respond. "They're peas – they're not meant to taste nice. They're not meant to taste of anything at all."

Her attitude to cooking hasn't changed much. Where is Jamie Oliver when you need him? He has supposed to have revolutionized British eating habits, but he hasn't had much of an effect on my old lady.

My three-year-old son is better at dealing with her than I am, though.

"Eat your lettuce up, Rico," she says, in a voice that's like half dinner-lady, half Guantanemo Bay torturer. "Just try it. You might like it."

"But, Nana," Rico goes, perfectly polite, "I don't want to like it."

The one thing that really puzzled me about being back in the UK was those Permit to Travel machines. What are they about? They are these machines, just outside the ticket hall, for after the ticket hall is closed, which issue you with a ticket. Only this ticket isn't a ticket at all, it's just a Permit to Travel, and as soon as you spot a guard you're supposed to accost him and beg him to exchange one of these tickets for a real ticket.

I mean, it's barmy.

Surely – surely – surely – the amount of work entailed in creating the technology and machinery necessary for a Permit to Travel machine is exactly equivalent to just making an actual Ticket automat? Surely? Surely? The Krauts would never stand for this, I'm telling ya.

Anyways, back to Germany and Berlin, and sensible Ticketautomaten:

Blimey. I thought we did things last minute but these guys beat us hands down. Basically their director, poor sod, flipped out and had some sort of breakdown and resigned, so
the production team (i.e. The Incredibly Capable Katie Griggs) had a big chat with all the actors and Ashley Brandt, the old director, dropped everything to step in to direct. Whew. Only then all the actors got scared and also resigned. Oops.

Then the English Theatre said there would be a ton of money to pay up if the show didn't go ahead. And so, with only 9 days to go, they recruited nine new actors, adapted the script, set and costumes and started rehearsing. Bloody hell. I sometimes think Katie Griggs was Anneka Rice in a previous life, I really do.

But according to my sources, the new actors are brilliant, and the show is better than ever. Go along and check it out for yourselves.

WHEN: 9th & 10th May, 8 p.m.
WHERE: English Theatre Berlin, Kreuzberg, Fidicinstr. 40, 10965, Berlin-Kreuzberg

WHAT: Science Fiction Theatre at its best
LADY GABY'S GOSSIP

Tonight at Kunstamt Bethanien, Lady Gaby will curate the project SEXFLIES GOES EAST under the umbrella of HACK. FEM: EAST, an exhibition incorporating networks of artists, performers and feminists from Eastern Europe. There'll be text, images, sound installations and performance conjuring sexual confessions, fantasies and experiences.
And Lady Gaby herself will perform her electro spoken-word performance, FROM TEA LADY TO SEXFLY

WHEN: Friday May 9, 8 p.m.

WHERE: Kunstamt Bethanien, Mariannenplatz 2, 10997, Berlin-Kreuzberg

WHAT: Sexy Feminists Doing Art Performances.
But that's not all. This month you can see Gaby's FUEL night not once – but twice – with Mancunian slam-winning poet Dominic Berry and John Callaghan, a live electro trash performance artist – and live male nude model. Uh, huh. That's right, kids:

WHEN: Sunday 11th May 8 pm

WHERE: Wonderbar, Wienerstr 45, Berlin XBERG 36

AND

WHEN: Monday 12th May 9 pm

WHERE: Schokoladen Club, Ackerst 169 Berlin Mitte

WHAT: Fuel – the most fun you can have without breaking the law. Basically.

Michael Haeflinger, who we all know as one half of the crew that presents Beat Street, the monthly English language poetry reading series, has written a play. It's called "One Flew East" and there's going to be a staged reading of it at the English Theatre this month:
WHEN: May 18, 2008, 8 pm
WHERE: English Theatre Berlin, Fidicinstr. 40, 10965, Berlin-Kreuzberg
WHAT: One Flew East by Michael Haeflinger. A Staged Reading.

Other Events To Check Out This Month:

Reading featuring Michael Haeflinger, Mareike Kolb & Robert

Lewandowski.

Friday 9th May, 11.45 pm, Coffee Karma, Sonntagstr. 30 (am Ostkreuz)

free entry, www.midnight-poetry.net

Creative Writing Group Monthly Meeting

Read out your own texts for constructive discussion (fiction, verse,

verse translations). Please bring 15 copies. Room charge: 3 euros

Friday 9th May, 7 pm, Buchhändlerkeller, Carmerstrasse 1, 10623 Berlin

(near Steinplatz).

As a part of the Berlin Intercultural Reading groups series, run by Jan Bild, the Booker Prize nominee Lloyd Jones will be answering questions and signing copies of his book.

Wednesday 14th May, 7 pm, Ingeborg Drewitz Bibliothek, Schloss Centre- 3rd floor- Rathaus Steglitz ( U9 and S-Bahn), Entry free,

http://www1.to/reading-group

Ten poets, 3 prizes of 100 euros, 50 euros and 25 euros and a great celebration of poetry. Poems may be read in any language, as long as they have been translated into English or German. Hosted by Mike Graef and Rob Grant of Berlin’s Beatstreet poetry night.

E-mail lookahere@gmx.net to take part

23rd May, 8 pm, Coffee Karma, Sonntag Str. 30, Friedrichshain

(1 Euro entry fee for all poets)

Live music and performance Party showcasing women artists and performers.

Lady Gaby's performance show is back with more snappy ladies, eclectic sounds and performance styles ranging from noise, avant-garde, chansons, antifolk, garage rock and roll, spoken word and eletronica.

Saturday 24th May, 10pm, STUDIO 23, Holzmarktstr 11, Berlin Mitte,

(near Jannowitzbruecke station, HH left, first floor)

And what am I up to this month? A ha. Check out www.myspace.com/myenglishclass for more info and updates on gigs and events, including a secret gig on the 21st May. Intrigued? You should be...

Copyright Expatica