You moved to Germany to be with your partner, but now you've decided to separate. Expatica's resident therapist Florian P. Klampfer gives advice on coping with many expats' worst nightmare.

"I came to Germany to be with you - now I sit here all alone..."

This could be the title of a book or a Hollywood film, but for many expatriates living in Germany this is a bitter reality.

Jim, a 38-year-old Irish man, met Julia during a conference in Berlin. The beginning was filled with uncertainty, considerations and indecision, but then both decided that they wanted to share a life together.

This meant for Jim not only leaving his usual environment, language, work, social network etc. but also being dependent on Julia in many aspects of their daily life - such as the dreadful German bureaucracy, for example.

Julia does this willingly of course, as long as things go well. Julia also introduces Jim into her social circle. He has no other friends here. Everything is new to him and Julia does not push him to learn the new language quickly. For Julia this is an extra benefit - she gets to brush up her English!

After two years Jim and Julia decide to separate. Alongside the emotional burden that every separation brings with it, with emotions like anger, mourning, feeling wounded etc. Jim is practically lost in the jungle of German bureaucracy. He barely speaks German and knows only Julia's friends, who take her side and abandon him.

Jim is alone. After 2 years in Germany he has not built his own place here. There is nothing that keeps him in Germany and he decides to go back to Ireland.

Some principles

Jim is just one example of the many expatriates, both men and women, who begin a relationship with a German person they meet during vacation, on a business trip or while studying here.

Of course not every relationship has to end in such a way, and not every expatriate living here makes him- or herself so dependent on a German partner as Jim does, but this example teaches us some important principles:

• Learn to confront the (admittedly terrifying) German bureaucracy and authorities by yourself
  Make sure you understand the procedures for getting your paperwork in order, starting from registering with the police (and the corresponding deadlines), to applying for identity cards and passports. You should also inform yourself about your rights should you become unemployed. Which possibilities of retraining or further training will be paid for by the state? What are the options for support if you choose to work freelance or open your open business? Some unemployment offices also have employees who speak English or French.

• Built your own social network (independent of your partner)
  Irrespective of whether the relationship is going well or badly, it is a relief for both you and your partner not to have to meet all your needs within the relationship. With some topics, it's simply better to speak to someone else about them rather than with your partner. In addition, it's very fruitful for the relationship if each of the two partners can bring in input from outside, rather than only stewing in the relationship's own "juices."

• Learn the language quickly
  There can be a great temptation at the start - especially when your partner speaks your language - to leave learning German "until later". However this hinders the very important contact to other people outside the relationship and puts a lot of responsibility on your partner's shoulders.

• Check that you're on the same page about moving to Germany
  Consider your decision to leave your home country well in advance. Is this also the wish of your partner?

• Watch out for guilt
  Be aware of the fact that every relationship, including even the most stable one, comes under pressure when guilt feeling on the side of the German partner and dependencies on the side of the foreigner partner begin to play a role.

All this still does not guarantee that feelings of being lost in a foreign country do not emerge after a separation, but some good friends who can help you in difficult times independently from your partner, the ability to speak the language, some knowledge of the customs and habits of the land and knowing that the decision to come here was your own decision, make it easier to confront the situation.

____________

Florian P. Klampfer
Individual and couple therapy, coaching and supervision (face-to-face and
online)
Gubenerstrasse 44; 10243 Berlin - Germany
Tel: 030-53661170
www.beratungspraxis-klampfer.de

"Working solution-oriented, I concentrate my work on solutions and not on the problems. I offer face-to-face consultancy as well as an online service. This service is independent of your place of residence and offers the possibility of remaining in one's known and 'safe' environment.

"I cordially invite you to a free and non-committal first session."

Do you have questions about relationship problems or mental health? Write to Florian Klampfer and he may use your question in a future column.

16 February 2006

updated June 2007

Copyright Expatica 2006

Subject: Ask our therapist, Florian P. Klampfer, coping with a separation, relationship problems, therapist in Germany