I have nothing to write in my column this month, I tell Melissa Holroyd on the phone. Melissa's one of my best friends, a single mum and Australian actress.

Write about me, she says.

'What are you doing, I ask her: Are you up to anything?'

I have an audition on Friday, she says.

I realize I can't write about an audition: Then it really will be just me writing about my mates.

So I ask What's Laura Cameron doing next month? Dunno. Anna Finn? Dunno. Lady Gaby? Dunno. Darren Smith? What's he up to? He's always up to something, isn't he? But I don't know what.

I rack my brains, frustrated and empty.

So I ask Melissa what her audition is for.

"I'm not actually sure," she replied. "I couldn't understand Isabel on the answering machine. But if I get it, it'll be loads of Drehtagen so it must be something good."

Well, maybe March seems so dull and empty coz February was so bloody exciting.Valentine's Day, Pancake Day, the Berlinale, the Oscar's, the Bafta's....all this plus Kafka Comedy at Cafe Sartre and a last-minute My English Class Secret Gig on Feb. 28 at St. George's – starring the frighteningly talented MC Jabber as our very special guest . Wow. How can March compete with this? Well, check the following sexy and depraved gigs out, why don’tcha:

Spoken Word performer Tom Mars will be presenting his new Spring TEXT Collections at Haby's new location Wonderbar – and plus a very special guest from the UK: Jude Rawlins, the lead singer from Subterraneans will present sounds, words and other surprises. Wow. All this – and it's free.
WHEN: Friday, March 14, 9 p.m.
WHERE: Wonderbar,Wienerstr. 45, Kreuzberg

FUEL'S BIRTHDAY BASH

Lady Gaby's Fuel will turn three on March 9, and Gaby and her friends are planning to celebrate in style, with performances from American novelist and prize winner, P Lewis and the Seattle singer/songwriter Joe Czarnecki with his instrumental, acoustic guitar.

If you want to order Nate's book, go to: http://www.backhousebooks.com/nate_novel.ht
WHEN: March 9, 9 p.m.

WHERE: Schokoladen, Ackerstr. 169, Mitte

HOW MUCH: A measly 3 Euros, pah!

WELCOME BACK PARTY

But that's not all. On Saturday March 22, Gaby will host a night of spoken word, live performances, music with Kevin Blechdom, a hugely talented, multi-instrumentalist San Francisco musician who's making her way back to Europe. Come and help all the guests, djs, performers and assorted others (Penners, Junkies, strip-tease dancers and general Künstler included) welcome Kevin back to the land of efficient public transport and incredibly cheap beer (it's cheaper than the water in Plus, you know Kev).
WHEN: Saturday March 22

WHERE: Studio 23 in Holzmarktstr. 11 at Janowitz Brucke, Mitte

BEATSTREET MARCH 2008

And if you want to check out some poetry, make sure you hotfoot it along to this month's Beatstreet, starring Anthony Baggette, Michael Haeflinger, Catherine Hales and Moon, hosted by Rob Grant and with musical support from Joe Czarnecki. Coo, he gets around a bit dunnee. Oh yeah, and if poetry's not your thing, then don't forget (and I have said this before, actually) Moon's girlfriend is one of the fittest and most beautiful creatures ever. Play Hide the Sausage with her. And she always comes along to support him, it's brilliant!

Incidentally, our Beatstreet Boys had an article written about them in the Berliner Morgenpost, explaining the difference between Beatstreet events and the Poetry Slam events Berliners might be more used to, and also claiming – slightly preposterous, I can't help feeling - that Michael Heflinger looks like a young Arthur Miller. Check out the full article here: http://www.morgenpost.de/content/2008/02/03/berlin/944907.html

WHEN: March 14, 9 p.m.

WHERE: Coffee Karma, Sonntagstr. 30 in Friedrichshain

Meanwhile, there are two events you should really check out at the English Theatre this month:

YVETTE COETZEE - NO PALM TREES. NO LIONS. NO MONKEYS.

If one is born "white" in Africa, paging through the family albums can raise a lot of uncomfortable questions. Yvette Coetzee, author and actress, sets out to look for the answers in this one woman show combining elements of acting performance and object theatre.

WHEN: March 5 – 8, 8 p.m.

WHERE: Fidicinstrasse 40, Kreuzberg

HOW MUCH: 10/7 euros

BRIDGE MARKLAND – FAUST IN THE BOX

Bridge Markland's 'classic for the pop music generation' is back. I saw it in January, and it was just ace: trashy, exciting and melodramatic. It was even frightening sometimes – I just loved it.

It's Faust but with hand puppets and pop music. Bridge performs high-speed changes between Mephisto, Faust and Margareta, and acts to a sound collage made up of the text of the play and popular music. It is really brilliant, it's really worth watching. My little brother went to the theatre for the first time in his life recently, and he told me it was 'really good – almost as good as a film.' Well, I think if he saw this he'd think it was even better than a film, and I'm not even lying.

WHERE: Fidicinstrasse 40,Kreuzberg
HOW MUCH: 10/7 euros

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