"You know what I hate," he asked fiercely. "I hate the way we all wank each other off. All the English-language people. Oh, my God. We all sit together in a darkened room, like bloody mushrooms, wanking and wanking and wanking and wanking. Yuck. Oh, you’re so talented, and he’s so talented, and she’s so talented, and I’m so talented, and we’re so talented, and oh my God, we are so bloody talented. ‘I know so many talented people!’ I just wanna puke up whenever I hear that sentence. ‘I know so many talented people!’ You know so many wankers, I wanna say. You know so many wankers, that’s what you know."

"Yea but we can’t just sit around telling each other how untalented we are," I objected, conscientiously. "That wouldn’t be a fun conversation."

"You should go to London, Jacinta," he said to me, ominously, venomously. "You’ll never get out of here if you stay. And you actually have talent – like a bit, you know. I’m not actually just saying that. Though I could be. But if you don’t go to London, you’ll never know. You’ve got to get out here and find out the truth."

"But I like it in Berlin," I said, feebly.

"What, exactly, do you like?"

"I like the kindergartens, for a start."

He winced. "Yeah, I know," he said. "My friend’s daughter has her kid in daycare in London and it’s just not payable. Yeah, I was forgetting you had a kid. You had better stay for a few years yet."

"Okay," I said.

"You’re really talented, you know, Jacinta," he said then, shaking his head sadly, instead of goodbye.

English Theatre Berlin presents three pieces from Alan Bennett’s later monologues, Talking Heads 2: The Outside Dog, Playing Sandwiches and Nights in the Gardens of Spain. Really funny, sensational and even, at times, disturbing. Directed by Günther Grosser and starring Kim Eustice, Monica Solem and Jesse Inman.

Paula Varjack turns the traditional slam format onto his head – now the worst text will win in the Anti-Slam. Aarrgh. "As if the texts aren’t bad enough already," my mate said bitterly, when I told him about the idea.

Ray (everyone’s favourite Honduran) and Paul Salamone (will eat raw chilies for money, basically) are beryack at Comedy in SIN. Guest-starring…your very own Jacinta "Amok-Mama" Nandi as herself.

July 8, 8 p.m. SIN, Schönleinstr. 6, U-Bhf Schönleinstr. U8

New Word Order Open Mic

Poetry, music, performance, whatever you can do in five minutes.

Thursday, July 9, Mano Café, Skalitzerstr 46a, 9pm, Free entry.

Comedy with the English Class team at the Kookaburra Club

This performance night is meant to be saucy, all about girl power, sex and truths and misbehaving. The band, mosh mosh are totally out there: musicians with a very interactive sexual and playful electro clash performance. Poetry and spoken-word performances from Niti and, er, yep. Jacinta Nandi.

July 16, 9 p.m. SIN, Schönleinstr. 6, U-Bhf Schönleinstr. U8

Midnight poetry//mitternachtspoesie

Saturday July 18, at 11 p.m., Bar 25, Holzmarktstr. 25, 10243 Berlin / 0172 449 40 58 Website: www.bar25.de

-- Jacinta Nandi-Pietchmann/Expatica