Packing my suitcase: Getting the Germans to like you
You can't make German friends without patience and lots of hard work, says expat Allane Milliane, but German friends are totally worth it.
When you first move to Germany, learning the language will not be the only difficulty you face. Integrating into German culture can be demanding and time consuming. It requires a lot of effort and patience from you, especially if you are planning to make good friends – not only colleagues – and be fully integrated in German society. The Germans are very nice and friendly people but if you are willing to have them as true friends, there are a few things to know and other tips you should consider doing.
When I first moved to Germany I never imagined how long it would take me to find a real friend; one you can tell everything about your life and have her/him do the same. It took a while of effort and patience and I had to try hard – but it was worth it. Here are my secrets on how to make true German friends.
Respect their privacy
The Germans are very private people; they are not going to talk about their entire lives the first time you meet. It takes time – a lot of time – until they feel comfortable doing this. You should avoid asking private questions at first, and instead let them take the first step towards sharing intimate information with you.
Here are some examples of questions you should normally avoid:
- How much do you make at work?
- How much do you pay for rent?
- What is your religion?
- Which political party do you prefer?
And of course… avoid the topic war, unless brought up.
Always accept an invitation
Did you get invited for a party, coffee or beer by a German? Say yes, even though you don’t feel like going or don’t like any of them. Getting an invitation means you have reached a very important step to making a German friend, so do your best to accept.
Inviting them is also a very important step; it means to them that you are interested in their company and to get to know them better. The chances of getting no for an answer will be very rare – they like to be invited – so take your chance and do it. You have nothing to lose, because you can’t lose what you don’t have.
Keep your word
That is a very important point. You should keep your word in every circumstance, whether for a meeting set up or something you promised to do for the person. Germans take your word very serious, and they don’t like when you don’t keep it or change your mind at the last minute.
Avoid at all costs cancelling an invitation you have accepted, especially in the beginning when you are still trying to get to know them better. Unless something very bad happened to you – and I am not talking about a headache or a cold – don’t cancel at the last minute.
Be proactive and helpful
Really! The Germans are a very proactive and helpful people, and they likewise expect this from their friends. So don’t be lazy to offer help if they are moving or to offer cleaning up after the party. The same goes to your co-workers in case they need help with solving a problem or something similar. This is when you get them to trust and respect you.
Know and respect their rules
As you might quickly realise, the Germans love rules and have rules for everything. Even if it is frustrating, it is important to respect their specific rules. By doing this you will get their respect in return, and this is a vital step in the integration process.
Learn to respect the cultural differences
This rule does not only apply to Germans; in any country you are going to live, you need to accept and understand that their culture is different from yours. It is not wrong, right, better or worse than yours, but different. Keep in mind that you are not going to change them but you will need to change yourself to adapt, and complaining will definitely not help you.
Speak the language
I am not saying that you need to speak perfect German to interact. It took me more than one year to start having a normal conversation with the Germans without switching to English by the end of the talk.
What I am saying is, show that you are interested in learning their language. They know that German is very hard, but leaning how to say the basics, such as hi, how are you, cheers and bye, is already a big step and they will appreciate that. If you are in the learning process try speaking to them – they don’t bite, so no need to be afraid of making mistakes.
Avoid hanging out with people who only speak your language
Imagine that you are at university and see a group of foreigners (who happen to attend the same class as you) talking, laughing and hugging each other. Would you stop by to say hi? This situation would make most people feel intimidated to approach this group. Wouldn’t it?
So now put yourself in the Germans' shoes; you could not expect them to try to be your friend if you already have your group and hang out with them all the time. You need to give them the opportunity to talk to you. Remember that it takes a while and the beginning is crucial.
Be patient and try harder
Not everyone was born with the virtue of being patient – God knows I wasn’t – but I had to find the little patience in me to give time to the Germans until I conquered their friendship. So be patient and give them time.
Not working? No patience to wait? Sorry, you will have to try harder. It took me more than one year to get some of my German friends to share very private things with me. Of course, with some friends it can take less time and with others it can take years! Remember: they are private people.
Worth the while
Going through all the integration process really does require your effort, but the best part is that it is worth it. Once you have a German friend, you have a friend forever. He/she will do anything for you, they will support you, help you, listen to you and stand up for you… for the rest of your life.
If you managed to go through all the process above without giving up, congratulations; you made it and you deserve their friendship. The Germans tend to think that what matters is not the quantity of friends that you have, but how many of them are true friends.
Allane Milliane is a Brazilian travel blogger who lives in Munich. She fell in love and continues to discover and learn each day a little bit more about the Germans and their culture. She shares her experiences as an expat in Germany on her blog, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.
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