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It's tough enough trying to iron out relationship problems when both partners come from the same cultural background. In her regular Expatica column, Hilly van Swol-Ulbrich answers a question from a reader about facing up tensions in intercultural relationships.E wrote
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Dear E and other readers
I am but an armchair counsellor, any suggestions brought up are made with the highest respect towards all. Let’s not underestimate the impact of intercultural differences on a relationship. However, be careful not to make it the scapegoat either. Whenever things are not working out the way we envision, look at all sides of relationship management.
Did you and your partner know each others' positions including the one on marriage?
Has this been communicated in an open and honest way?
While expectations may have changed over time and the respective partner has not, can we hold this partner accountable for remaining the person they were?
In the best case scenario couples grow together bringing new dimensions into each others lives. But any relationship based on love should include respect and understanding for each others differences, including all the peculiarities and the idiosyncrasies.
The tempting but false assumption that one can change the other often proves to be counter-productive. It puts unfair pressure on both partners - the imaginary preferred image blurs our vision for the true qualities of that individual.
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The assumption that one can change the other often proves counter-productive |
Access is a non-profit organisation with offices both in The Hague and Amsterdam; among their many services they also offer counselling support. They can be found at:
http://www.access-nl.org/About_us/about.htm
Sometimes we get lost in a maze. Simple, disarming questions can direct us to what is important:
Do we love each other?
Are we happy and do we want to make each other happy?
Do we want to be together?
An old and abused but still valid guiding light? Love will conquer all.
Send a question to
Hilly van Swol-Ulbrich
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Hilly van Swol-Ulbrich is managing partner of CONSULTus. Her website is WWW.Consultus.net. She reserves the right to decide which questions she considers relevant for her column. She will, however, not answer any questions dealing with tax or legal matters.
For more information about Hilly, read Across cultural barriers
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Subject: Relocation, Intercultural relationships, counselling
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