Companies are placing high demands on their employees to be flexible in moving from city to city. This is often a strain on a marriage but it need not end in divorce if certain rules are adhered to, according to experts.

About six percent of people in Germany aged between 18 and 55 years have a partner living in a different city, according to the German Youth Institute (DJI).

Many couples only meet up on weekends

"The local town soon becomes too small," says marriage therapist Friedhelm Schwiderski in Hamburg.

The 35-year-old Doerte Dahm accepted a job in Berlin leaving her boyfriend Achim Jess, 42, behind in their apartment in Hamburg. "I wanted to stay in Hamburg but when I got the good offer in Berlin I didn`t hesitate very long," she says.

Professor Norbert Schneider from the Sociology Institute at the University of Mainz says 58 per cent of such long-distance relationships are unplanned and happen against the preferences of the partners.

Therapist Schwiderski says that "at least one of the partners has a greater need to be close to the other and experiences such a situation as a loss".

Regular contact is important, the experts stress. The partners should stay in regular telephone contact and write to each other daily.

Doerte Dahm and Achim Jess see each other every weekend and communicate daily. "I like SMS because I carry them with me every day and can always read them," says Jess. The couple have known each other for 17 years and trust each other.

But it is not like this all the time, says Schwiderski. Such a separation triggers jealousy which is often a fear that the other might become estranged and find another partner.

"It is vitally important to be open with each other," Schwiderski recommends. "The couple should clearly show each other. 'Look this is the way I live. I have nothing to hide'."

If there is tension this should be addressed. Sociologist Schneider says that if a conflict erupts at the weekend and is not solved it will stay all week. But limiting such conflicts can also be an exercise for the couple.

The separation is not really a problem for Doerte Dahm, although she says she misses her boyfriend. "Sometimes I miss him being close by," she says. But for many women a long-distance relationship can become a problem if job tension arises.

"If there is no support from the partner it can lead to psychological pressure and affect the work," says medical doctor Ralf Wegner, who heads a department investigating stress on the job at the University Clinic in Hamburg.

Therapist Schwiderski is also of the opinion that the high pace on the job demands compensation "where we can have peace and quiet". On the long term, he says, the home offers orientation. For a couple living apart it is important to have a long-term perspective, especially concerning family planning.

"Women should not wait until they are 35 with their family planning," says Wegner. "Having a family is an important aspect in life and requires living in one place. Many women over 40 realise they have not given this enough thought and have a psychological problem with this."

In this respect he says long-distance relationships are more of a problem for the woman than with the man.

Sociologist Schneider says generally "long-distance relationships are only accepted over a limited period with a perspective. At some point the couple will want to move together". Generally speaking, a long- distance relationship lasts between one and three years.

Schwiderski says the thought that "where I am is my home has its attractions but on the long term having ones own home is of great value".

Doerte Dahm too is convinced that "at some stage I want to be back in Hamburg".

July 2004

DPA

[Copyright Expatica 2004]

Subject: Jobs, long-distance relationships