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You are here: Home Family & Kids Partners Love in the age of Facebook
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14/02/2010Love in the age of Facebook

Love in the age of Facebook To text or not to text? That is the question. Because in the era of text messaging, Facebook and Twitter, the art of flirtation has changed. We examine love and heartbreak in these changing times in a two-part series.

There is space for just 160 characters on that little cell phone screen – not much space for recounting disastrous misunderstandings, sleepless nights and awful embarrassments.

Text messages are both a curse and a blessing – above all when they are used in new relationships or to flirt.

The question is not simply whether to send a text message, but what to write and when to send it. And after a message is sent, what if there is no reply? The waiting begins. Flirting in the time of text messages is not only easier but more immediate.

"The speed takes a bit of the tension away," said Jan Schaumann, a behavioural consultant in Berlin.

Fast and furious


Text messaging also shortens the anticipation time between dates. Used correctly, text messages can be valuable, provided they are not overused at the beginning of a relationship.

"Cell phones make possible a completely different time span in which one party contacts the other," said Nina Deissler, a flirt coach in Hamburg. Once there was a standard grace period of two to three days before a man called a woman after their first date. In the 21st century, it is not unusual for the phone to ring on the way home.

Photo © dougww
"Im on th beach where r u?" © dougww

"I find the message, 'get home safely,' acceptable," said Deissler. "It shouldn't be more than that."

Style adviser Susanne Helbach-Grosser in Schwaebisch Gmuend is stricter. She finds it "extremely importune" when a woman sends a man a text message immediately after a date asking for another one. She advises waiting at least a day. The pressure and the immediacy of cell phones are exactly the problem.

"There is hardly a way to escape it because you know that the message is delivered immediately or you know your number will appear on the caller ID,” said couples counsellor Felicitas Heyne of Herxheim, Germany. “You can hardly talk yourself out of doing it."

However, the arrival of a text message doesn't mean that it will be read right away or reacted to immediately.

"You have to be able to bear that, particularly right at the beginning of getting to know someone," said Helbach-Grosser.

Hasty typing and shorthand can cause further difficulty, as it sometimes has to be decoded. Feelings aren't easily expressed in 160 characters, the style adviser said.

"Sometimes the writer doesn't use his or her brain," said Heyne.

Heyne also warns against over-interpreting poorly phrased texts: "A little bit of distance and calmness are certainly helpful to avoid unnecessary misunderstandings."

The faces of Facebook

While text messaging has transformed flirting between partners, technologies such as Facebook and Twitter launch flirting onto a whole different, much more public, platform.

Photo © by gcbb
Jenny Holzer from twitter: "Fake or real indifference is a powerful personal weapon" © gcbb

Flirting on Facebook, for instance, always involves an active negotiation of how public or private you want your flirting to be.

After “adding” your prospective partner (and who adds whom is certainly part of the flirting game), there are multitudes of ways to initiate flirtatious contact – each with different levels of visibility.

You could post on their “wall,” which is immediately visible to anybody who clicks onto their profile page; write a note under one of their photos, which is less visible but proves you’re into them enough to look through their albums; or finally, send them a direct message, something that is hidden to the outside world.

The signals sent by this complicated private-public dance are multifaceted and certainly prone to ambiguity.

Given that all your partner-to-be’s friends will immediately see your wall post, posting on his or her wall could be considered somewhat daring – the equivalent of going up to somebody on the dance floor. You are openly signalling your interest and raising the stakes.

Yet, equally, opting to use the most private service on Facebook – private person-to-person messaging – can be powerful as well, as it could indicate a more serious and sincere interest.

You are not interested in making that inside joke to the entire world, it says, you only interested in fostering your connection to them.

In the end, Facebook is often a gateway to “more serious” forms of flirting, like longer emails or (gasp!) flirting in “real life.”

Photo © eron_gpsfsBefriending your prospective partner on Facebook means that you both get to stalk each other’s photos, interests, wall posts and other ephemera, or to send a witty message or two back and forth. But usually, the significant events in any new relationship are saved for another format.

A necessary skill


Nevertheless, proficiency with technology can be an important dating asset, nowadays. And part of getting to know someone is finding out how he or she handles modern communications, what type of messages he or she sends, when and how many.

On the other hand, dating somebody who doesn’t have a Facebook or Twitter account can come in handy sometimes – it’s easier to disentangle yourself when you break up.  

JD / DPA / Expatica

In the second of this series, we examine break ups in the age of technology: Breaking up in the time of Twitter.

Photos credit: dougww; gcbb; kiwanja; eron_gpsfs



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